Putting Band-Aids On Wounds

Grab a cup of coffee, sit down and get ready for a li’l’ something I like to call “Corrinne’s vulnerable side”. Writer's block killed me these last couple weeks! The block snowballed  into avoidance and dread, since when did  I dread writing? That didn’t seem right.  I could blame it on the fact that school started (yes maybe that plays a small role) but I think the reality was that I was emotionally drained! With a full-time job comes the practice of spreading oneself thin, yet keeping a sense of sanity but I know for a fact that li’l old me was avoiding sitting down and putting the emotional effort forward when I had become emotionally drained by the last post and school starting! 

Last night after having all my energy sucked from my body thanks to zoom teaching, I laid in bed at 7:00 and conjured up some sort of energy to put the kitten in the carrier and pack a bottle of wine for the lake. How weird does that sound? Is it giving you crazy cat lady vibes? Oh yeah, did I mention that I adopted a kitten last week? Yes! I adopted a kitten from the Milwaukee Humane Society, her name is Tema (in honor of the town I lived in Ghana) and she is two months old. Yes, she is absolutely adorable. Yes, she keeps me up all hours of the night! Teaching from home has been enjoyable because as soon as she hears the keys of my laptop clicking away, she feels the urge to slide across the keyboard like a baseball player sliding into a plate. My students enjoy the distraction she provides when attacking my neck in the middle of a lesson or knocking over my oil diffuser in the background. 

Anyway, I packed up Tema in the cat carrier, grabbed my bottle of wine, and ventured to the great outdoors that is downtown Milwaukee.  As  you know, nightfall is coming earlier and earlier each day (insert eye roll), but I hoped for the best quality street lamps to light our path. I had no intention to do anything but sit outside. Soon enough a glass of wine and the perfect music got my pen to the paper. I do appreciate a good glass of wine (or two) and music, the combination provides some sort of euphoric feeling to a writer. 

It had been a while since I had written like I did and WOW did I need it. While I was writing I had the realization that I hadn’t made any time for myself that day (or weeks prior), I had suddenly refused to fuel myself like I was fueling others. This is a fear of mine in life, to lose myself amidst the crazy that is the world and when that happens dreams are swallowed up, motivation dwindles and the fire is dampened. It’s true when they say that though you yourself may not know what to write, your subconscious knows. If you provide the space the pen will flow and what needs to come out will, it’s all about unblocking and providing the space for it to happen. 

While having this incredible night I had some intense realizations and memories come flooding back.

I remember getting on the plane in Accra and within minutes of buckling in, I was receiving phone calls from friends I had made. I denied each call. I was already shutting out my life there and I hadn’t even left the country. I remember the exact moment it started happening and I knew it would have long term impacts. It was a defense mechanism in order to protect myself from feeling the pain of leaving.  To this day I am still learning to combat what I did on the plane, until last month, I had 34 voicemail messages that haven't been listened to. 

Now you are probably thinking “Corrinne you are the WORST! How could you be so rude?”  

I avoided them because I knew that when I would try calling back the call wouldn’t go through and I didn’t want to let down myself or others. At 7:50 this morning I heard my phone ringing from across the room, I was finishing up my breakfast and ready to log into a meeting. I answered the call-it was my student from Ghana. This was the first time a call had been successful on both ends. This was the first time I had confronted the call head-on, Latifah simply called  to say “Ms. Corrinne I missed  you and wanted to call and greet you.” It was a short call  and it kicked me in the stomach (in the best way possible) to realize that I was avoiding what was fueling me! I was avoiding my writing because I was emotionally tired and had nothing left to give to myself! I was avoiding conversations with people I love in Ghana because the wound was still open and not being nursed back to health. Leaving Ghana had left a wound and instead of nursing it, I decided to jump into my previous lifestyle since it distracted me from the pain and my failure of not nursing the would. 

I needed to be keeping in contact with my family in Ghana. I needed to be journaling about the memories that flood my being when I smell something. Instead I shut out my life there,  thinking that it was the best and least painful healing option-I was putting a band-aid on a deep wound. I tried to carry on with my life with a band-aid on it but it only made the wound get bigger. What a realization! Wow! I’m sitting here writing this, my face is bright red and warm because it is hitting so hard. 

I debated posting this-DJ was reminding me every day that I was overdue in posting and I rolled my eyes because I didn’t know what to write about, I had no advice to give! I’ll let you in on a little secret-it is a lot of pressure to write, I hold myself to this really high standard of writing a perfect piece with perfect applicable advice when in reality I need to remember that I’m writing what I need to get out of my system and  people can  take it as they may. They can read it to just enjoy my writing, read it to fuel themselves or read it and apply it.  Take this with you-don’t put a band-aid on a deep wound and be sure to be fueling yourself with the same effort you are putting into others each day.

Xoxo,

Corrinne Ruth