One Year Ago Today...

Excuse me while I get emotional. Yikes-I have been dreading this post, not because I don't enjoy writing it but I think that it's because whenever you are vulnerable, transparent, and open it is emotionally taxing! When things are emotionally taxing we tend to stop doing them, the trick is to push through because we all need to be more in touch with ourselves and become self-aware! WE NEED TO KEEP A DEEPER SENSE OF SELF. Anyway, I didn’t want to write this post because that would mean it was real. It meant that time flies by and events are fleeting moments that soon become a memory. I think there was a part of me that never really thought the year anniversary would arrive-it always seemed to be in the distant future but never actually arriving.

One year ago today, I sat down with my parents at a Noodles & Company there was an elephant in the room. We knew tears were coming within the hour but no one wanted to talk about it. Instead, we clung to the heavy silence and I flipped through the pages of two small photo albums that my parents put together. These were a collection of all the most important people in my life, something to keep nearby as I took off. I’m not sure if you are interested but it was photos of my mom and Martha Milanowski-to remind me of how identical they look though they aren't related whatsoever. It was photos of my grandparents at Morris’ football games, my cousins with swimming goggles suctioned to their faces after emerging from Silver Lake. It included photos of my dad in an outfit made of entirely Stormy Kromer wool flannel before going to chop wood outside. It was two albums that held the most precious and candid memories, ones that I had forgotten existed.

We sat at the restaurant and there were butterflies in my stomach. I wasn’t sure if the tears would come at the airport when hugging them goodbye or when I was alone for my first night in Tema. If you have been with me on this blogging journey since last year then you know a year ago today I left for the most important journey of my life to date. I left for Tema, Ghana. A year ago today I left what I knew behind and stepped into a world where I needed to understand who I was alone. A year ago today I got on a plane and had to learn how to trust myself. I had to trust that I was grown enough to rely on my understanding. A Lot of things happened since then, a lot of things happened because I left for Ghana. I have a lot to say, I have a lot to say in regards to all the memories that live rent-free in my head from my life in Ghana. I have a lot to say in regards to all the questions I still have and the lack of closure from since then leaving. I have a lot to say in regards to the reflections and growth I’ve made since October 23rd last year when I jumped on a plane and hoped I was strong enough to be “alone” for months on end. But I will only say a few things-a years ago I tapped into parts of myself that had turned passive-I had started to refuse to dig deeper within myself and just do what I needed to to get by in all senses of life. I had always prided myself on being a deep person, full of thoughts, questions, and scenarios but life happens and sometimes life makes you believe that it’s not necessary and what is necessary is that you stick to the status quo and do what you need to to get by. HOW TERRIBLE.

A year ago today I tapped back into my writing which had then caused me to check back into my deeper self which was at risk.

In high school I stopped writing, the love was lost when I wasn't able to take the risk of pursuing it as a vocation. I only wrote in a weathered leather journal that stayed hidden. A year ago today that changed since leaving for Ghana I “picked myself up by my bootstraps” and pushed myself to return to my deeper self. It has been a whirlwind since October 23rd of last year-so much has happened in the world and I don’t need to tell you to know. You know. I know. We all know. I know that the world has shifted since last year but so have I. I was faced with a chance to push back against the pressure of being passive. I owed it to myself. Since then the trajectory of my life has changed. Not in ways that you may see right away or right now but I know that my identity has changed, my depth, my sense of purpose, and self-awareness.

A year ago today I began a journey that put me in situations that opened wounds, opened doors, and created a sense of self that was being encouraged to be left behind. I am nowhere near where I want to be, but I am on my way. A year ago today I left my home and risked all the growth I had made in aspects of my life. There were two haunting questions in the back of my mind as I got on the plane, “am I strong enough?” and “will doing this be taking steps backward in all the progress I have made?”. Those questions KILLED me, they haunted me but soon I realized that neither of those questions were valid or even realistic to ask. Soon I realized that this journey- the one that began on October 23rd of last year was bigger than anything I had known.

I discovered a life there and a second home. I discovered a second family that loved me and formed a bond so strong that I still have wounds from leaving. This is not your typical tale of venturing off to another country. I think it is more than that and I am thankful for it being more.

I have so much to say since a year ago today.

Here’s to you Ghana, here is to you Obette, here is to you Auntie Franna, here is to you Margarette, and here is to you Abotsi family; here is to you shifting the tides in my life. This is just the beginning.

Xoxo

Corrinne Ruth